Writing a letter to your Loved One is a simple, meaningful, yet powerful way to keep the connection alive and to move emotions and feelings of regret or missed opportunities. It’s easy enough to do just grab a card or letter and a nice pen or type it out. The physical act of writing with a pen or marker [or crayon!] is more therapeutic as it moves your thoughts and feelings through your body in the act of writing it out. Even more powerful is using your non-dominant hand to express younger or more primal emotions your conscious mind may not even be aware you’re holding.

Start like any letter would with “Dear …..” or use their name or a nickname you used for them
Use first person personal language “I” and share your feelings “I had such a moment of joy when I thought of that time you…”
Be conversational and authentic not overly formal. “I just saw a silly post that reminded me of that time that we….”
Be specific about your feelings and thoughts “I miss your…” “I wish we had…” “I just saw something that would make you laugh out loud and wanted to share it with you…” or “I heard a song the other day that made me so happy thinking of you …”
Share events and happenings that have occurred since they passed. “You won’t believe how big your nephew has grown in the last 2 years!” “Sarah graduated from high school can you believe it?”
It’s okay in fact it’s very therapeutic - to express regrets. “I wish I had told you more often how much you mattered to me.” “I should’ve spent more time with you and I deeply regret that now. I hope you can forgive me.”
Share your own evolution since they have passed. “You won’t believe it but I finally finished that novel I always wanted to write. You inspired me to do it and now I finally did. Thank you for always believing in me.”
Let them know how much they meant to you and why. “I will always hold you in my heart as the one person I could go to no matter what.”
Remind them of what you will always remember about them. “I think the thing I remember the most about you is how good you were as a person. I know your life wasn’t always easy but you always seemed to rise above and be kind to people. I try to be more compassionate and patient like you, it’s hard, but thinking if you inspires me to try harder.”
Send your letter off with a small ceremony to celebrate your connection. You can bury it with seeds to grow flowers or even a tree, or light a candle and [safely] burn it to send your message into the heavens, or save it in a keepsake box to open up and read and add to over the years and share with future generations so they can know your Loved One the way you did.

The main thing is dig deep into your feelings; be honest, be authentic, and keep communicating with your Loved One.

Of course, many relationships aren’t always easy and some Loved One’s were not always kind or healthy.

If you had a contentious, traumatic, or unhealthy relationship with a ‘difficult’ or abusive Loved One who has passed*, your letter will be very different than above. You are still grieving, but you may actually be grieving the loss of something you never got from them; love, safety, kindness, patience, validation, being seen authentically… these losses are deaths of their own and need to be grieved, acknowledged, felt, and moved through.

Start like any letter would with their name {or a nickname you used for them…I like to tell people to get creative here} ultimately it is powerful to use their name or who they were to you.
Use first person personal language “I” and share your feelings.
Use normal phrases no need to get fancy, in fact the ‘younger’ your language the better, “I am mad at you.” “You hurt me.” and avoid overly formal or technical [like medical or diagnostic] language. “You were so mean, selfish, and cruel.” is more powerful than “You were a malignant narcissist.”
Be very specific about your feelings and thoughts.
Share events and happenings that are empowering for you that have occurred since they passed.
It’s okay - in fact it’s very therapeutic - to express any lingering regrets.
Let them know how much they hurt you and why.
Share your own evolution since they have passed.

The main thing about writing a letter to a difficult person who has passed is to dig deep into your feelings, be honest, be authentic, and get it out of your nervous system. Remember you are safe and ‘in the now’ and they cannot hurt you any longer.

Write out your feelings in letters as many times as you need to.
If your issues were from your childhood, writing in your non-dominant hand is a very powerful way to allow the old hurts and resentments to flow from a deep and authentic place. You might try some letters in dominant hand and some in non-dominant for different perspectives.
Try to get really real. Download your pain and anger and hurt into sentences and statements in your letter[s], and clearly identify and articulate your emotions if you can… are you feeling anger, sadness, fear, resentment, disgust, shame, embarrassment; be clear and specific. This is where it pays to get messy and move that gunk.
Once you are done [send a copy to your therapist*] bury or burn the letter[s] with a small [private] ceremony of release to let it go to the other side with them. It’s not your anymore. Send it off and away to help get it out of your nervous system and help you clear out old pain to make way for good feelings and experiences.
Do something gentle and kind for yourself knowing that you can fill that space you just created with new life and love for yourself in your heart. Self-care is everything after this exercise as it reinforces your are safe in the now, not stuck in the past. You deserve to be safe and happy and loved.
*Anyone who has experienced trauma should seek out a licensed Mental Health Professional.

3 Things I Wish I Could Tell You Now... The Value of Writing a Letter to Your Departed Loved One

Of course, many relationships aren’t always easy and some Loved One’s were not always kind or healthy.